Lately, I have been in a very reflective state of mind. There is so much happening in my personal life and so many things seem to be changing. While this is all wonderful and amazing, it also makes me feel like I am at another transitional point in my life. I haven’t felt this way since I lost my father almost five years ago. It’s hard to explain it and put it into words, but I will do the best that I can.
I feel so torn about where I want to be. I have lived in New Jersey my entire life and this huge part of me has always wanted to move across country to LA. There is also this part of me that wants to finally move into NYC since I am always there. It’s probably the option that makes the most sense. However, I don’t know if I will truly be happy in the city. As much as I love New York, it’s definitely drained me over the years of constant commuting and it has definitely taken a toll on my car. In fact, my car is one the biggest stress factors in my life right now, as it’s becoming a financial burden with frequent trips to the mechanic over the past two months. Not much fun to say the least. Getting back on topic though, this has been a huge internal struggle of mine for the last few years. I still don’t know where I want to be and that worries me. I am too comfortable here in Jersey. I feel like I have done all that I can do and seen all that I can see. It’s just time for me to move on to the next chapter, I am just still trying to figure out what that chapter is going to be.
Every time I think I am ready to go to LA, something comes up and prevents me from leaving. I believe that I have mentioned this in a past post. This summer my plan was to purchase a one-way ticket out there and give it a little test run. I was hoping to stay for two months just so that I could experience it for more than a few weeks. There is a huge possibility that I would love it even more or that I would change my mind and see that it wasn’t for me. The only way to know for sure is to stay out there temporarily and see how it makes me feel. My plans changed though as soon as I found out that my sister was pregnant!! I am going to be an auntie for the first time and words can’t even begin to express my excitement and joy! How could I leave my sister during her pregnancy? I just couldn’t do that. When the baby comes in January, I want to be here. I need to be here. [More on the pregnancy soon!] The fact that things constantly come up every time I think I am ready just makes me wonder if LA is not in the cards for me. Or it simply means that now is still not the time. This has seriously been happening for the last five years. I have probably driven all of my friends crazy for talking about it so much and will most likely continue to do so until I get my sh*t together.
Since I have always been in New Jersey, it makes me even more aware of everything else that is out there in the world just waiting for me to experience it. I think that is one of the main reasons why travel has become so important to me. I haven’t been anywhere since Texas in March and I have been going crazy trying to plan my next trip because I just want to get out of here! I find that I am most happy when I am on the go. Being in the same place for too long makes me feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I notice how different my way of thinking is compared to the people closest to me. Not that this is a bad thing at all; I just realize that what they want out of life is so opposite from what I want. Everyone has different views, different wants and different needs. I still feel like this free spirit that has been caged in and until I finally get out there and do what I need to do, what I want is not going to change.
I think back to my father and his life. He lived for everyone that he loved that sometimes he forgot to live for himself and that makes me sad. He did so much for everyone and I think sometimes he didn’t put himself first enough. I know that there was so much more he wanted to be able to do, but he never got the chance. One of my biggest fears is that this will happen to me. So many of us create these lists of places we want to visit and things that we want to do before we die, but usually that’s all they are. They are just lists. Not enough of us actually bring those lists to life so that we can cross things off of them. I want to make sure that every day I am crossing things off. I fear that if I stay here for too long, I won’t get the chance to do that. I am not sure if this makes any sense or if what I am writing seems like gibberish, but this is just some of what I have been reflecting on lately. I guess what I am trying to say here is that I have been conflicted for awhile and it’s something that still to this day I am working through. They say that your 30s is when you start to figure it all out. I hope that they’re right.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post! Hopefully it’s something that you can relate to. If you have experienced something like this, please feel free to share. <3
Hearing those words about your dad reminds me of my dad also. I feel he always put others (esp. his children) before himself and I wish he got to do more for himself before his passing.
NJ will always be here. January is months away… being away for just 2 months might be hard but it might open more doors than you could possibly imagine or maybe it'll make you realize NJ is the place for you. Just make those power moves while you are still young and able.
I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right decision at this time for you and your family. Good luck babe xo
“To live, to TRULY live, we must be willing to RISK. To be nothing in order to find everything. To leap before we look.”
Thanks so much for your comment babe! It seriously means a lot to me. And you are right. <3
I love reading your life chats! They inspire me and it's just good to know I'm not alone in trying to fit the puzzles of my life together. xx lovejoystyles.com
I am so happy you like them and that you are able to relate. We are all going through our own things and I think it's important to share that sometimes. <3
First i must say i love the life posts they make me reflect on alot…Its Funny how i been feeling the same, bout making major decisions in my life too and scared what if i don't get to accomplish them… and i think it all comes with age. Look at you right now, just starting life and already sacrifices are beckoning..that's what happens..You start now then your sisters baby comes, then yours and by the time you realize you are 60 and have postponed your entire life and are looking back and wishing you lived just a little.
This is the best time, when your sister is pregnant to go and get your feet wet before the baby arrives and if you don't like it NJ is your home you can always go back. Nothing feels worse than watching other people achieve dreams you wished but didn't pursue…But then again,how will you know if you don't give it a try? I'm sure everyone around you will understand and support you. Sometimes making those drastic moves is what helps you grow.
Go travel its good for inspiration and opportunities and by the time you get back your mind will have reloaded and refreshed everything.
I wish you all the best.Go make history. all these also makes me want to follow my dreams too.
"One day you will wake up and there won't be anymore time to do all the things you wanted.. do it now..Paulo Coelho..
Love everything that you wrote! Thank you for taking the time to write me this! It is so true though. I am definitely thinking about testing the waters for at least a month and just see what happens. At that point I will have a better idea if it's what I truly want. Happy you like these posts and take the time to read them! xoxo
There will always be a reason not to do something. Especially, in this case, your sister having a baby IS NOT a reason to not do anything. I genuinely understand how you feel, if my sister was having a baby I'd sit my butt right next to her because I want to be there for her and help her, BUT I'm not thinking about moving somewhere. You have some time before your sister has her baby, frankly before anything starts happening. And with AirBnB (and other sites) its relatively easy to just go somewhere. DO IT!!!!
You are right! So funny that you mention AirBnB because that is what I have been looking into. Thank you for encouraging me more to do this. I think I make myself feel guilty for leaving, but at the end of the day I need to do what I feel in my heart and it's worth a shot to just try it out for at least a month or so. Thanks for your comment! <3
Life is too short not to make the most out of it. Go see the world while you are still young and able. It is good to consider others but you also have to take care of yourself. Two months of trying it out in LA will not make you less of a sister or an auntie. There is no reason why you can not go back in January if you really want to. Do what your heart so desires and with a sincere and pure heart, you will see that things will fall into place. Good luck.
100% truth! Thank you for that, girl. I really appreciate your comment. <3
I felt something similar two years ago. I'm from Málaga (South of Spain) and I wanted to go out and live my life in a different way. After months of crying, stressing myself and overthinking… I did it!… I moved to London leaving all my friends and family in Spain and (it's hard to say) but it's one of the most amazing things I have done in my life! So try it! There is no reason to don't do what your heart is telling you!
thank you for sharing your story with me and for your sweet words! <3
Girl, you're not alone. I've felt this exact way for a few years now and I was very uncertain about what my next step should be. Since last year, my desire to move cross country from LA to Miami has been even more constant and just intensified early this year. I finally made the decision to just do it, to take the risk and go for my goals. Our stories are very similar because I have lived my whole life in LA and I'm over it. This place just isn't for me and for my goals and I find myself always trying to get out of here. I haven't felt like that anymore since I actually made the decision to finally move to Miami. I feel so much better and like I'm actually on my way to do what I love. I felt like I had done everything I could and needed to do here and that I was just wasting away at work by not doing what I love. I move in October to Miami and hope to embark on a new journey. I'm very hopeful and excited but also nervous because of the change. I have a blog as well (beckyboricua.com) but I want to take it to the next level and I feel Miami is the best place for me to do that. Along with that, I want to work in the Latin entertainment industry which is why Miami is the best place for me. This was in no way meant to make LA look bad. By all means, it might be the place for your and your dreams. It just isn't for me and mine. Do what you feel in your heart is the best and what you feel is truly what you want. Something will happen that will trigger that inside of you. For me, it was when I went to Miami in March for Hispanicize. Something clicked and I just knew I had to do it. The same will happen for you. You're not alone, a lot of us feel or have felt that way. I wish you the very best in whatever you decide to do. Keep writing these posts because they make us feel more identified to you. Sorry for the long post. Besos!