Life, Love & Loss

Four years ago today my world came crashing down and I have been trying to put the pieces back together ever since.  Losing my father was like losing a part of me.  It’s a void that may never be completely filled.  For a very long time I was in a dark place and it took me awhile to get back into the light.  When you reach your breaking point you have to dig deep within yourself and in that moment of weakness, you will find strength.  I still struggle with this even though so much time has passed by.  People say that time heals all wounds, but that isn’t always the case.  There are certain things in life that we never fully recover from.  It’s been 4 years yet somehow it still feels like he was just here.  I think of him every single day, but I never allow myself to relive those last three months of his life until his anniversary.  This time of year is always the hardest as I am brought back to that place emotionally all over again.  I will never forget feeling his last heartbeat and seeing him smile right before he passed.  It’s an image that has been engraved in my mind.

   I learned to deal with my father’s death without really dealing with it.  By this I mean that I put 100% of myself into whatever I was doing at the time whether it was singing or writing or starting this blog.  All of that was my therapy and escape from the pain that I felt.  It didn’t bring my father back, but it made it a little bit easier for me to get through each day.  When you experience a great loss in your life it’s so important to have some form of outlet.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.  I felt like no one could possibly understand how I felt.  It honestly took me awhile to even open myself up again, which is why I wanted to write this post today.  I don’t always have it all together.  My life is no where near perfect, I am not perfect and sometimes, I break too.  It’s not easy to expose my vulnerable side with all of you, but I’ve learned that so many other people are broken in their own ways and sometimes talking about it makes it a little bit easier.  It’s just nice to know that you are not in it alone even though it may seem that way.  

My father always pushed me to be a better person.  He was the kind of man that saw greatness and ability in everyone.  He didn’t tolerate laziness or negativity or complaints.  If you wanted to make a change, then he would say to stop talking about it and do something about it.  He taught me that life was not always going to be fair and I couldn’t spend too much time crying over what could have happened.   If something didn’t work out, then he told me to try something different. “Whatever you do today you have to live with tomorrow.” He always told me that when you treat people the way you want to be treated you will go farther in life.  And he was absolutely right.  He always knew I was a big dreamer and he supported my dreams, but he also showed me that I needed to be practical as well.  He helped me create that balance in my life.  

My biggest source of inspiration and motivation comes from my father and that is what fuels me every single day to do what makes me happy and to chase my dreams.  Because of him, I am not afraid of anything in life anymore.  He’s made me step outside of my comfort zone in ways that I never knew that I could.  Nothing can ever hurt me or affect me the way his death has.  It truly shook me to the core.  I see my life now compared to what it was four years ago and I still can’t believe how much has changed.  I can’t believe all of the moments that he has missed and all of the ones that are still to come.  I know that he is still with me and always will be and sometimes I swear that I can feel his presence.  But I would give anything for him to physically be here again.