It’s rare for me to post on a weekend, but I woke up today with this strong urge to share what was on my heart. It’s crazy because over this past week I was telling myself that I am not ready to talk about what’s been happening in my personal life. For some reason I felt
inspired to open up about it this morning, so here I am ready to bare my soul to the world once again. This is the beauty of these Life Chats. They are not planned. They are not
scheduled. I typically don’t know what I am going to write about until the night before or the morning of when something speaks to me. This is what makes it so real and raw, so
honest and so vulnerable.
I have been dealing with a lot emotionally and have honestly been trying to play it off. I guess I’ve tried to keep that mentality of If I don’t talk about it then it’s not really
happening. I am keeping myself busy and allowing myself to get distracted with other things. That’s how denial starts though and I can’t allow myself to live in that space. I lived there for a very long time after my dad died. I also find myself pushing the people closest to me away. I tend to do this when I’m going through something difficult. I build a wall and make it nearly impossible for anyone to break it down. I kind of just shut myself off and sometimes don’t even realize that I am doing it. I think that in these moments I just have to be alone in my own thoughts in order to get through it. This is why it’s always so much easier for me to express myself through writing.
Things haven’t been looking too good for my grandma lately and it’s been very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that she might soon leave this world. Only God knows when it will be her time, so for now I have been visiting her every single day so that she knows I am there with her. I know that we don’t get to live forever and I know that she is in her 90s and has lived a full life, but the thought of her no longer being here is still extremely hard. I have found myself going back to that dark place emotionally where I stayed for a long time after my father passed away. There are so many different components that are bringing me back there. Seeing her decline in this way is a huge reminder of seeing my father in his dying days. It’s as if I am reliving that nightmare all over again. I see so much of my father in my grandparents. They are my only real physical connection to him. When they die I am not only losing my grandparents, but it’s as if I am losing a piece of my dad too.
I have always been very close to them. At a young age my father made me realize how
important it was to constantly see them and communicate with them. He reminded me that they were not going to live forever and that I needed to be there for them as much as
possible. Our relationship and bond grew even stronger after my dad died. I had to step it up and be there for them 10x more than before. I also promised my father that I would make sure that they were ok. It’s one of the last things that I said to him before he took his last breath. He worried about them so much and I needed him to know that everything was going to be fine, even if I didn’t truly believe it in that moment. I have done all I can to keep that promise.
What breaks my heart even more is knowing that my grandpa will have to live without her. I probably said this before, but they remind me so much of the couple in The Notebook. They have been married and inseparable for over 60 years. A few years ago she started to
get dementia and still my grandpa never left her side. Their love is so real and so pure and I could only hope to find that one day. They have truly showed me what it is to love
unconditionally. My grandpa is doing very well considering he is going to be 94 soon. His
father lived to be over 100 and I can see that same strength in him. I don’t think he is fully aware of what is happening with my grandmother right now though and once she leaves this world, he will be left with a broken heart. The thought of that devastates me.
All I can do for now is stay strong and put on a brave face. I’m trying so hard to do that, but this past week and a half has been so emotionally draining. I was starting to feel like I was lying through my photos, making it seem as though all was well in my world. I think that’s why the urge to share this today was so strong. I just wanted to be honest with you
guys because that’s what Life Chats is all about, sharing what truly goes on behind the
photos. I’m not 100% myself, but I will be. All I ask is that you send some prayers and
positive vibes to my grandparents. I am so thankful for you all and I am even more thankful that I have this blog as my creative outlet, especially during the hard times. Writing this out has actually made me feel so much better already! Thank you for taking the time today to read it. I love you. ❤️