32 roses for 32 years.
It’s officially my birthday and there is so much that I have been reflecting on that I couldn’t help but share it in a new Life Chats.
I’m always honest and real in these posts, but I feel like today I am going a bit deeper. Every year on my birthday I go through the motions. I think about where I am currently at in my life, what I have been through and where I still want to be. Being IN my 30s scares me sometimes. Don’t get me wrong; I have learned to fully embrace it. I don’t look my age and I don’t feel my age. [thanks to my mom & dad for the good genes] It really is just a number, however the thought of it does affect me every now and then. I kind of get those doses of reality where I am like, “Holy Shit. I am actually in my 30s.” When I was in my early 20s, I thought that I knew where my life was headed. I had this picture of what I believed my life would turn out to be. If you asked me what I would be doing in 10-15 years, I would have said married with one or two kids. I thought that I would have fully pursued my music career and have some type of stability and consistency in my life. I had this timeline of events in my head for when I thought that things were going to happen, but we cannot plan out our lives.
When I hit my mid-late 20s and lost my father and my job, I was like a lost puppy trying to find my way back home. When I decided to stop pursuing music, I had no real idea of what could possibly be next for me. I just knew that I never wanted a regular 9-5 ever again and I was so adamant about it. If you would have told me back then that I would be working for myself as a full time blogger I definitely would have laughed at you. A blogger? How is that even a job? Guarantee those probably would have been the words to come out of my mouth. I had no idea what it meant or what direction I was headed in. I sometimes still question how I even got here. I’m doing something that I absolutely love and something that I am passionate about, but there is still this consistent inconsistency with what I am doing. Every day is different. Every month is different. Some are much better than others. Working for yourself in any type of way is a struggle. There are no guarantees. It’s a leap of faith that you take, but then again life in itself is one big leap of faith.
I look around at the closest people to me and they all have their steady careers. Most of them are in relationships, some are married, some are homeowners and some have kids. Here I am though on the compete opposite end of the spectrum, running around with no strings attached still trying to feed my soul and figure out where I am headed next. Life did not give me what I thought it would, but it gave me exactly what I needed. I think I am in such a different place than I was back in my 20s and the things that I thought I wanted are not the same things that I want at this moment in time. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever want to get married and have a family of my own one day, but I think there is still much more that I need to do before I even think of getting to that point.
When I lost my father, I experienced real heartbreak. I always thought the guys in my past that hurt me had broken my heart, but all they did was fracture it. I realized in those moments of pain that I needed to work on the most important relationship of all, the one with myself. That is exactly what I have been doing and I am in no rush. When people ask why I am still single, I say because I choose to be. It’s a choice that I have made and being single in my 30s does not have to been seen as a bad thing. I’ve learned to embrace it. I’ve learned to own it. Love will come in its own time and when it does I will honestly be able to say that I am ready for it. I was never ready before and I know that is why I didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted it. Timing is everything. This I know now.
I might not be where I thought I would be at this age, but I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I feel blessed because of that. Maybe my life doesn’t fit the picture of what most expect a 32 year olds to look like, but that’s ok with me. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve had my share of struggles, but I’ve also had my share of success. I’m actually proud of how far I have come. The one thing I always promised myself that I would do is to follow my dreams, whatever they may be, and that is exactly what I have done. I have no idea what the future holds for me or what the next steps are going to be. I’m excited about it though and here with open arms for whatever may unfold. In some ways I feel like my life is just beginning. Before I turned 30 I was told that these would be the best years of my life. It’s true. They are.
So today, I celebrate and embrace what my life has become. I am so thankful.
Happy Birthday to me!
P.S. If you reached the end of this post, thank you for reading it all. You rock.