Lately, I have been in a very reflective state of mind. There is so much happening in my personal life and so many things seem to be changing. While this is all wonderful and amazing, it also makes me feel like I am at another transitional point in my life. I haven’t felt this way since I lost my father almost five years ago. It’s hard to explain it and put it into words, but I will do the best that I can.
I feel so torn about where I want to be. I have lived in New Jersey my entire life and this huge part of me has always wanted to move across country to LA. There is also this part of me that wants to finally move into NYC since I am always there. It’s probably the option that makes the most sense. However, I don’t know if I will truly be happy in the city. As much as I love New York, it’s definitely drained me over the years of constant commuting and it has definitely taken a toll on my car. In fact, my car is one the biggest stress factors in my life right now, as it’s becoming a financial burden with frequent trips to the mechanic over the past two months. Not much fun to say the least. Getting back on topic though, this has been a huge internal struggle of mine for the last few years. I still don’t know where I want to be and that worries me. I am too comfortable here in Jersey. I feel like I have done all that I can do and seen all that I can see. It’s just time for me to move on to the next chapter, I am just still trying to figure out what that chapter is going to be.
Every time I think I am ready to go to LA, something comes up and prevents me from leaving. I believe that I have mentioned this in a past post. This summer my plan was to purchase a one-way ticket out there and give it a little test run. I was hoping to stay for two months just so that I could experience it for more than a few weeks. There is a huge possibility that I would love it even more or that I would change my mind and see that it wasn’t for me. The only way to know for sure is to stay out there temporarily and see how it makes me feel. My plans changed though as soon as I found out that my sister was pregnant!! I am going to be an auntie for the first time and words can’t even begin to express my excitement and joy! How could I leave my sister during her pregnancy? I just couldn’t do that. When the baby comes in January, I want to be here. I need to be here. [More on the pregnancy soon!] The fact that things constantly come up every time I think I am ready just makes me wonder if LA is not in the cards for me. Or it simply means that now is still not the time. This has seriously been happening for the last five years. I have probably driven all of my friends crazy for talking about it so much and will most likely continue to do so until I get my sh*t together.
Since I have always been in New Jersey, it makes me even more aware of everything else that is out there in the world just waiting for me to experience it. I think that is one of the main reasons why travel has become so important to me. I haven’t been anywhere since Texas in March and I have been going crazy trying to plan my next trip because I just want to get out of here! I find that I am most happy when I am on the go. Being in the same place for too long makes me feel stuck and I hate that feeling. I notice how different my way of thinking is compared to the people closest to me. Not that this is a bad thing at all; I just realize that what they want out of life is so opposite from what I want. Everyone has different views, different wants and different needs. I still feel like this free spirit that has been caged in and until I finally get out there and do what I need to do, what I want is not going to change.
I think back to my father and his life. He lived for everyone that he loved that sometimes he forgot to live for himself and that makes me sad. He did so much for everyone and I think sometimes he didn’t put himself first enough. I know that there was so much more he wanted to be able to do, but he never got the chance. One of my biggest fears is that this will happen to me. So many of us create these lists of places we want to visit and things that we want to do before we die, but usually that’s all they are. They are just lists. Not enough of us actually bring those lists to life so that we can cross things off of them. I want to make sure that every day I am crossing things off. I fear that if I stay here for too long, I won’t get the chance to do that. I am not sure if this makes any sense or if what I am writing seems like gibberish, but this is just some of what I have been reflecting on lately. I guess what I am trying to say here is that I have been conflicted for awhile and it’s something that still to this day I am working through. They say that your 30s is when you start to figure it all out. I hope that they’re right.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post! Hopefully it’s something that you can relate to. If you have experienced something like this, please feel free to share. <3