There are certain moments in life when you remember every detail specifically. It doesn’t matter how much time goes by, those feelings and those memories still feel so recent. Four years ago on Memorial Day weekend, I was heading home Saturday night after going out with some friends. I remember being stopped at a traffic light when my sister called me. She wanted to let me know that she was on her way to the hospital with my dad because he was having really bad stomach pains. I just remember feeling so scared and this sudden wave of uncontrollable emotions took over me. I wanted so badly to keep a positive outlook, but I knew deep down that there was something terribly wrong.
On Memorial Day, he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and it had already spread to his liver and his lymphnodes. There are no words to describe what it felt like hearing that diagnosis. My entire world came crashing down in that instant. They didn’t give us a time frame for his life. They weren’t sure if the chemo would work. We just had to try and do what we could to keep him here for as long as possible. I think I was in denial those next three months. I knew what was happening but it was just so hard for me to accept. It was hard for all of us to come to terms with the fact that my father could die. I prayed for a miracle every day. Deep down in my heart I really believed that a miracle was going to happen Whenever my dad would talk to people about having cancer, he always said, “I’m going to fight it.” And he did. He fought as hard as he could those three months. And that’s why he is my hero. I learned so much that summer about life and myself, but most importantly I learned how to fight through fear from the most amazing man I’ve ever known.
When he passed away, everything changed and I was not ok for a very long time. I learned to deal with his loss without really dealing with it. I just had to force myself to go on with my life. To be completely honest I don’t think I’ve ever accepted it. There will always be a piece of me that is missing. If you’ve lost a parent or any loved one for that matter, then you know that time doesn’t ever heal that wound. I thought a lot about doing this post because it’s so personal. I think each time I write about my dad I open up a little bit more. What happened with him is such a big part of me and my life. I want to be able to share more on here than just my outfits because there is so much more to me than that. I’m no expert on dealing with loss because even four years later, I’m still dealing with it. But if any of you have experienced something similar, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out. It’s a constant battle, this I know.
If you took the time to read this, thank you so much for allowing me to share it with you.
And I just want to say thank you to all those who have served our country. You have made the ultimate sacrifice and we are forever grateful! We remember you today and always. <3