I’ve always been a city girl at heart, but now it’s official! It’s so crazy how many different mixed emotions I’ve been feeling all at the same time. One chapter of my life is coming to a close just as another is about to begin. You know that saying, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life?” I’ve been repeating this to myself over and over.
The movers came to my house two mornings ago to pack up their truck with all of my belongings. I stood alone inside my (almost) empty bedroom that I’ve lived in for 34 years and replayed so many memories in my mind from grammar school all the way to last week. Memories of my father, of my mother, of ex-boyfriends, heartbreaks, and everything else in between. This is the room I came to after my father died and after I lost my job. But this is also the room where the idea of my blog was born. Isn’t it crazy how both sadness and happiness can co-exist in one place?
“I don’t live here anymore,” whispered the voice inside my head. Such a crazy feeling and so surreal. It’s not like I’m saying goodbye to this home altogether, but it’s still extremely bittersweet. The emotional attachment that I have formed over all these years is undeniable, however it’s time to move on to the next level of my life. After envisioning this dream for longer than I can even remember, it’s actually happening.
Holy shit. It’s real.
I spent countless hours unboxing most of my life inside a small studio apartment that I can now call my own. It’s been such an exhausting and emotionally draining couple of days to say the least and it’s far from over as so much more still needs to be done. This truly is a new beginning for me. It really is the first day of the rest of my life as I create my new home.
It’s currently 11:06 (a number that follows me every single day-read it’s meaning) as I sit here in sweats with tired eyes writing down my thoughts on an air mattress. I’m completely overwhelmed and just felt the need to be real and share exactly what I’m feeling about this move, beyond the happiness and excitement.
And I am excited, do not get me wrong. I worked extremely hard to bring this vision to life and it feels so rewarding. I am definitely enjoying the fruits of my labor, especially as I see the pieces come together before my eyes. But – I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little nervous and scared too. I know this is all part of the process, but it’s hard to shake those initial feelings of fear and doubt. There were a few moments last week when I caught myself getting anxious and trying to figure out all the unanswered questions at once.
Can I really do this on my own? Was NYC the right move for me? What if this doesn’t work out? And then of course I constantly remind myself how expensive all of this has been so far.
One of the most difficult parts about being a creative in this industry is the lack of work consistency at times. Some months can be great with back-to-back opportunities, but some months can be extremely slow too. There is not always a guarantee of when that next paycheck is coming and I’m definitely not one of those bloggers making hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ve been saving up for this move for a very long time to ensure that I’m financially secure during these lull periods, but New York is so pricey that I can’t help but fear all the “what ifs.”
But once again, I need to continue trusting in God’s timing. Right as I found out I was getting this apartment last month, work began to slow down and literally came to a standstill. I started freaking out a bit thinking how I would have to continuously dip into my savings account until things picked up again. I had a conversation with my mom and I said you know what, maybe God knows that right now I can’t give my full attention and time to work during this process. Maybe He is slowing things down for me so that I can focus on the move and once I get settled, everything will go back to normal.
And you know what? The opportunities started to pop up into my inbox again this week. Not every partnership is the right fit for me to move forward, but it just goes to show that things always have a way of working themselves out. I have this tendency to get inside my own head and it’s a weakness I’m continuously trying to improve.
If you’ve been following along on my insta-stories then you have been watching the vision slowly unfold too. I’ve been so thrilled to share all of this with you, especially the decorating process, but I also wanted to be transparent about the different emotions and doubts I’m experiencing.
There is so much that goes on behind-the-scenes. We constantly watch other people’s highlight reels through our social media feeds without really knowing what’s going on behind the photos or what it took for them to make things happen. So despite all the pretty furniture, this has not been a glamorous transition by any means. It’s been challenging and draining. Lots of take-out. Little makeup. Sleeping on an air mattress. And so many obstacles in between.
I’ve already shed so much sweat and tears this week. I’m only on day 3. Ahh, the beauty of #adulting! One thing’s for sure, living in NYC will definitely show me what I’m truly made of!
Thanks so much for reading and for all of the sweet messages on IG. That’s probably the best way to stay connected with me over this next week as I honestly have not had any time to create new content for the blog. I’ve loved sharing this new journey with you all so far and of course there is still so much more to come as I get settled into this new place called home. ❤️
P.S. These photos were taken right outside my building! Have a great weekend. Love you.