“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”
This has been sitting in my drafts for over a week now. I have edited, deleted, added and reworded way too many times. Not exactly sure why this has been such a difficult piece for me to write. All of my life chats are super personal and honest, but this one has been very challenging for me. By the way, I’ve really missed you all and I hope this helps to explain my lack of presence here on my site.
It’s already been one month since I packed up and moved to NYC to fulfill a long-time dream and goal. Believe it or not, I’m still in some stage of shock and disbelief that this is actually happening. I walk outside my doorstep and am literally in awe to be able to call one of the greatest cities my new home. New York is so diverse and filled with a ton of inspiration and new opportunities at every corner. I’m extremely thankful to be in a position to start this next chapter of my life here in the big apple.
There’s another side to it all though – the side that no one really talks about. Once the initial excitement and all the butterflies begin to settle down, the reality of the change officially sinks in. The challenges start. Loneliness and doubt creep in slowly. Stress makes its way back to the surface and you are left with so many unanswered questions. I’ve been experiencing all of this and as each day continues to pass, I find myself becoming a bit more lost without understanding why.
Patience. I need more patience, right?
I have wanted this for longer than I can even remember. How is it possible that I am already feeling all of these emotions after just one month of living here? I’ve been beating myself up for it and thinking that maybe I have not been grateful enough for this blessing. But that can’t be it – I’m beyond appreciative that this prayer of mine was finally answered. I literally thank God every single day.
So, what is it then?
I’ve come to the realization that once you reach such a high point in your life it can actually be difficult to process. You’re sort of left with these thoughts of, “What now? What comes next? Where do I go from here?” as you step further and further away from your comfort zone. I have been feeling this immense amount of pressure. Truth be told no one is putting this pressure on me, but ME – but it’s there and it’s growing by the day.One of the biggest reasons behind my move was to create new opportunity, both personally and professionally. As I struggle to find my place in this industry and mold into this new lifestyle here in the city, I’ve been stuck in this limbo phase as I like to call it. That quote I love so much about how every next level of your life demands a different you is literally happening to me right before my eyes. I honestly haven’t felt this changed since I lost my father. I’m back on unfamiliar grounds and that shakes me to my core a little bit.
I should interject at this point and say that by no means am I unhappy or sad nor do I regret the move. It’s definitely the best thing that I could have done for myself. My heart truly is full at this very moment. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is an aftermath of achieving huge milestones and most people stay silent about it. But it’s a thing, I swear. If you have personally experienced this for yourself I would really love if you shared your story with me.
With all of this being said, I’ve been distancing myself from the blog throughout this whole process while I basically figure my shit out. I think it’s a little break that I’ve really needed. For over 6 years, I have been in this mindset of creating content consistently every day. I’ve had to, it’s my job! I was so thrilled to have NYC as my new backdrop because possibilities here are endless. What I have found though during this process is that I haven’t really wanted to take photos lately. With such a huge transition like this happening in my life, I learned that it’s been more enjoyable for me to just take this time and only share when I truly want to. At least for right now.
To be completely honest, I have felt a bit out of touch and disconnected from this industry lately. I actually think that it’s been happening for awhile, but once I moved and gained some more clarity, I started to see it more. I still love what I do – that has not changed one bit. However, I am currently struggling to find my place here again. I’ve been using this little break to regroup and reevaluate as I try to understand the reasons behind these feelings. I should probably explain more thoroughly in a post that’s solely dedicated to this topic.
Now that I’ve done my best to describe what I’ve been going through emotionally, I just wanted to give a few other updates. My apartment is about 50% complete. That in itself has been a whole other challenge and process with a ton of ups and downs. I’ve shared some of the behind-the-scenes on my insta stories. If you missed them, you can still watch them on my apartment highlights.
While it’s all fun and exciting, it’s also expensive and stressful. I decided to take a pause from that as well. I leave tomorrow morning for a getaway to Jamaica, so once I come back I’ll put more focus into finishing up this space. I’m still living out of 6 boxes and my TV is still on the floor. It gives me anxiety, but I am taking my time with all of it. The most important thing is that I have the big pieces, like a bed and sofa. Once the studio is complete, I will definitely be sharing the final look on here and on IG!Another challenge I’ve faced is with Kiko and it breaks my heart. I waited awhile to bring him here because I wanted to get settled in on my own first. He finally came for a couple of days and I knew right away that this was going to be rough on him. He just turned 8 and has lived in a house his whole life with me, my mom and Mikey. Now I am taking him away from all of that and bringing him to a small apartment in the city.
He loved going for so many walks with me and meeting tons of people and dogs along the way. He’s seriously the most social and loving pup! But inside the apartment, he seemed confused and not like himself. I tried leaving him alone a few times in small increments to test it out. He got major separation anxiety. I’m talking constant barking and whimpering and scratching on the door. I live inside a small co-op building where you can literally hear every noise. The last thing that I want is for people to complain about Kiko.
After seriously crying all of last week, I decided to bring him back to my mom’s house and try again with him when I get back from Jamaica. I need to give him more time to transition before I start leaving him alone. I welcome any and all suggestions on how to deal with separation anxiety and transitioning an adult dog to an apartment. I need for this to work. He’s my fur baby. I’ve been so sad without him here.
Before this gets incessantly long, I’ll wrap it up. I wanted to explain everything that’s been going on with me over these last several weeks. This blog is still my labor of love and I will get back into a more consistent routine with it soon. The last thing I want anyone to think is that I’ve stopped or no longer want to continue. I’m just taking all of this as an opportunity to reconnect with myself and this digital space. There’s a lot that I still have to figure out and understand.
If you made it to the end, thank you for reading! It’s so good to have you back here on my site. I promise I won’t stay away for too long. ❤️